To the guy who mugged me (From Craigslist)


To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)

I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize.

I didn’t expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn’t that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 . 45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it?

I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA’s office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I’d like to make it up to you. I’m sure you’ve already washed your pants, so I’d like to help you out. I’d like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we’ll do lunch and laundry.

– Alex



11 responses to “To the guy who mugged me (From Craigslist)”

  1. Funny as hell. He should have shot the bastard.

    1. Admin (Mike) Avatar
      Admin (Mike)

      Yea, although having the criminal crap his pants is definitely 2nd best. :P

  2. Looks like this guy gets around…… Miami and Savannah

    To the guy who mugged me and my girlfriend on Monday night – 32 (Miami)

    1. Admin (Mike) Avatar
      Admin (Mike)

      hahah I like the Miami twist on the story. Apparently this Savannah one is the original that started it all.

  3. I wish people would label this as fiction when they post it. I’ve seen it so many times with so many different cities…

    1. Yeah, this is nothing new. Maybe it started out as a real post somewhere. I’m sure if it did it wasn’t quite the story it has morphed into.

      1. I should’ve found this before hitting submit on that last post

        1. Admin (Mike) Avatar
          Admin (Mike)

          Interesting, thanks for the info Josh.

    2. Admin (Mike) Avatar
      Admin (Mike)

      I had a couple different versions saved, but this one is apparently the “original”

  4. Fantasy. Cowards usually dream of being heroes. Good luck in that vicarious superhero life in your head. Btw, do you wear a cap and fly in your empty cranium?

    1. The kind of empty cranium that causes one to spell cape ” as in sleeveless garment ” with no “e” as in a garment worn on one’s head?