You used to shoot to get away from drinking.  Now apparently… 😬😬😬.  I wrote a fan fiction I hope you’ll cringe reading:

“MODELOS FOR THE FELLAS. PACIFICOS FOR THE…” Brian paused briefly, hoping his girlfriend Carly would finish his sentence; she didn’t. Brian continued emphatically “HOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES” as he attempted a shuffleboard style slide of the Pacifico he just opened across the wooden table to her. Barely out of his reach, the beer hit a knot in the wood and toppled over, spilling in Carly’s direction. “Brian!?! It’s 10:30AM what the hell are you even doing?” she yelled, pushing her cereal aside; grabbing the still foaming bottle cupping her hand under it as she walked briskly to the sink. “It’s a big day today, I gotta get loose for the audit.” he reminded her. “Oh right, the audit” she said supportively, but with a layer of disappointment in her voice. Brian nodded, taking another swig of his Modelo before blowing into the breathalyzer he recently picked up at a gas station. 0.06% – almost there he thought. He liked to keep the blood alcohol level at around the 0.07 – 0.075% mark when doing a 2nd Amendment audit. It was just one more thing to troll the police on. A real teachable “gotcha” type moment. Oh to see the looks on their faces when they ask if you’ve been drinking, and you say yes… then they breathalyze you and see you haven’t broken the legal 0.08% limit. Priceless, thought Brian. Today he was taking it a few levels further. Not only would he smell of alcohol, but he would be open carrying an AR-15 pistol with a brace on it and a FN FNX .45 on his hip. In addition to that it was around 50 degrees out, so he decided it would be a perfect time to rock an all black balaclava with sunglasses, and a woodland camouflage jacket he painted the punisher head onto. “Oh man the cops and civilians are going to learn a LOT about freedom today hahah” Brian cackled. Carly remained unimpressed as she continued to clean up the mess left by the spilled beer. “I better get this show on the road, Papa Johns needs me for deliveries at lunch” Brian said as he slipped his bottle charger charging handle bottle opener back into the AR-15 pistol, rising from his seat to collect his fully charged GoPro and other supplies before heading out to the park to perform the audit.

“Everything is coming up Brian” he said under his breath as he pulled his JEEP up to an empty parking spot on the side of the road directly in front of the play structure. Brian figured he would walk a short loop around that area, then over the bridge and around the pond. It shouldn’t take longer than that for the police response he thought. As he sat unnoticed in the JEEP, he pulled the ski mask over his head and slid on his Oakley Gascan sunglasses. He did up his jacket tightly, then clipped the GoPro into its pocket mount, pressing the button and waiting for the red light to show it was recording. For effect, Brian placed the AR-15 pistol in the passenger seat. Exiting the vehicle, he walked around back heading to the passenger side – loudly clearing his throat and spitting on the ground. In his limited peripheral vision, he could see several moms at the play structure area taking notice. Brian opened the passenger side door to grab his AR-15 pistol, and with it in hand slammed the hollow JEEP door loudly then pressed the lock button on the key fob twice so the horn honked. Several moms were frozen in horror at this point, while Brian methodically threw the sling strap over his head, then tightened the pistol closer to his chest while walking slowly in their direction.

PS:

If you like the bottle opener in the picture, as I mentioned it’s by Bottle Charger.  I think it goes without saying that the company is veteran owned.  By that I mean these really “niche” ones all are.  The pricing on the site is confusing at first glance, but I’m sure if you want one you’ll figure it out somehow.  Maybe it’s $37.99 plus another $7.90 for shipping?  Who knows.  I have no idea how to actually add one to the cart either.  Something they should probably look into making easier.

On a related note, the fan fiction is actual a prequel to a real life situation that happened; the whole “2nd Amendment Audit” thing.  I swear this fan fiction writes itself, the world contains a lot of cringy characters doing WILDLY cringy things.

Thoughts?